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As a specialist in helping people create the perfect CV, I’m often asked how to write a great covering letter or how to ace an interview. But what about those people constantly pushed into interviews by their partner but are too weak to tell them they’re happy setting their sights low? What advice can I offer to this minority group?

Well worry not. Below you will find 16 foolproof methods aimed at those people who don’t care a fig about making their way in the World and who would much rather stay in the safe, comfortable, void of underachievement. With these tips you won’t have to worry about getting a new job or indeed, any job.

1)    Arrive late
Don’t worry about mapping your route and doing a dry-run to see how long it takes you to get to the interview. Turning up late, red-faced, out of breath, and sweating heavily will set the tone for how you intend to approach the rest of the interview.

2)    Don’t bother to dress the part
Instead of presenting yourself as if you already have the job, be sure to check that your hair and nails are dirty, your breath smells, and there is a noticeable yet worryingly unidentifiable stain on your top.

3)    Give either a weak or a bone-crushing handshake
Either offer forth your damp, limp hand and make them feel uncomfortable that way, or crush their hand tightly in yours whilst staring unblinkingly at the increasingly fearful interviewer.

4)   Chew gum
If you decide to ignore the advice about arriving with breath that could shell a prawn at 50 yards, then chew gum instead. Watching your gaping, cud-chewing mouth open and close for an hour should give the interviewer a good idea of how you roll.

5)    Don’t bring along any notes or copies of your CV
If you bring a copy of your CV for the interviewer along with one for yourself to refer to, you may give the impression of being organised and you don’t want that. Remember that referring to a page of notes with points you’d like to cover will mark you out as prepared, efficient, and capable.

6)    Look disinterested and avoid eye contact

You must not look as if you’re finding the interview or interviewer interesting. Looking like you want to be there could get you into all sorts of trouble and may even result in you being offered the job. Instead look everywhere except at the interviewer and occasionally down at your nails. You should do this throughout the entire interview - except at the end when you must appear pleased to be leaving. Remember to leave the interview without shaking their hand and thanking them for their time.

7)    Do not prepare in any way
Most people who wanted the job would look over their CV to summarise what they are good at, what they do, and how they do it. They would also understand what their skills and achievements were and what they could bring to the company.  You do not want to fall into this trap so don’t give a second thought to what they might ask you until you walk through the door.

8)    Do not research the company prior to interview
This is a very important point. If you research the company beforehand you might appreciate what issues they were facing, changes within their industry, or developments within their company. If you understood their current position and what challenges they were up against, you might be able to help them. Researching a company will make you look interested and a stand-out candidate – which is the last thing you need.

9)    Slag off your last employer and colleagues
When asked why you left your last job, remember to give a full account of how you hated everyone in your office and how your last boss was an idiot. Instead of saying there was a conflict of interests, or that you just wanted to move on to new challenges, be sure to make give the impression that you’d be a nightmare to work with.

10)    Never address gaps or changes of career in your CV
So what if you changed career a few years ago or took a year out to study yak dentistry in Tibet? It’s nobody’s business but yours and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Tell them you just felt like it and do not offer any additional information especially any that could give the impression you went out of the way to advance or improve yourself by learning new skills through new experiences.

11)    Fail to understand the question about weaknesses
When asked what your greatest weakness is, instead of mentioning something that you used to find challenging but learned to overcome, tell them that you’re lazy and find it hard to work on your own initiative. Alternately point out some other weakness that you have failed to address during your working career.

12)    Be overly honest about why you want the job
When asked the hugely important question “why do you want to work for us”, select your reply from: you needed a job and they were hiring, you were forced into applying, you want a job with more money, or that you’re not really sure. Explaining how you believe your skills, experience, training, career, or education match the job requirements and that you can bring a wealth of experience to the position will only get you into trouble.

13)    Never explain what you can bring to the company
An interviewer is going to want to know what you can bring to their business, and how you are going to help their future success. Do not offer any achievements, skills, or insights into their company to describe why they should hire you. A shrug is probably a good gesture at this point.

14)    Ask the wrong questions
Rather than asking thoughtful, intelligent questions about the position, possible training, how they measure success, or other questions relating to the direction the industry or company is heading, ask how many days holiday you get and when you’ll get a pay rise instead.

15)    Do not ask any questions
Alternately, you could get to the end of the interview and when asked “do you have any questions for us” tell then they have covered everything. If your previous attempts to show disinterest have failed then this should do the trick and secure the interviewers derision at the same time.

16)    And finally....
It is highly likely that a potential employer will Google you, so remember to update your Facebook status with a banal profanity-filled, grammatically-incorrect comment. Making sure your profile picture shows you drunk and topless should also assist in making you look like an idiot and will support your intention of never being offered a job.

You can find Joanne Munro at
www.munro-pa.co.uk
www.brightoncvs.com