My only way out of my family was to go to college. I met a fellow there my first day; we were both studying to become music teachers. During our dating, I realized he had a temper. Nevertheless, I seemed drawn to his charming personality. We did marry, as I believed I could help him from his harsh childhood; I had enough love for both of us. I thought that I could “fix” him. Years later, I realized he had the same characteristics as my family.
“Someday my prince will come” was my wish growing up as a Cinderella. This song was popular from the Disney movie, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. I would play this song on the piano and sing my heart out, when I was in grade school. I was going to find prince charming.
Before television, I also enjoyed a radio show called, “Let’s Pretend”. These imaginings lead me not to see the reality of my life. This is called de-nial. It is not a river in Egypt. It was my not acknowledging the reality of my life. I was lying to myself and I did not even recognize it.
I pretended my life was fine, when down deep I was not truthful with myself and thought that I deserved to be punished, as I was not “good enough”. I knew if my mother is hurt nightly, I am no better than she is. I deserved to be treated like my mom. I pretended that I could save her and that would save me. This brought constant stress and vigilance throughout my life. I did not even realize this until years later that I never felt safe or protected.
I always did what I was told. I got good grades to prove to my family, that I had value. It gave me a sense of worth.. Straight A’s in school did not impress them; nevertheless, my good grades became my mask. I never caused any trouble for my family.
I did not have friends or fit in with crowds. I was in bands, orchestras, and youth groups, but I felt left out and not part of the throngs. Therefore, I studied harder, practiced my flute more, and did the yard work around the house to show everything was going well. Unknowingly, I had become a walking robot without feelings and desperately wanting people to acknowledge me. I looked good to everyone, while I was dying inside.
Was I insane? Yes, I was not living in reality. I finally had to break the bubble of fantasy and get authentic with myself. After 30 years in my abusive and dangerous situation, I had to wake up. Year after year, I was doing the same things repeatedly expecting different results. This is one definition of insanity.
Somehow, I found myself in the family I thought I left from childhood. I had created a marriage that copied my parents and not the happy family I desired. My Prince Charming was not so charming. I had ignored and disregarded the futility and fatality of my situation. I had not escaped my childhood abuse; it had only become worse.
I could not live in the desperation of being threatened for my life, any longer. Without any answers to my predicament, I tried suicide. I felt hopeless and helpless. It was live or die time. I prayed to be in a better place. Angels came to help me during this time of despair. This brought my accepting spiritual help to move out of my predicament. I found there was a heavenly power that cared for me and could help me. There was a better way.
I read a quote by Albert Einstein, the legendary scientist, ““We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”. I started to understand that my life was motivated from fear. I was the great victim. I even won an international writing contest with my article, “All Time Victim”. I had been in hell and the only way out was to move up into a higher consciousness of a loving solution.
Fearful motivations create dreadful results. With no mindful thoughts and only fearful ones, my life was a disaster. Thinking my decision might be the wrong one, my inaction was not working, either. I needed to make choices and take action. I was irrational and my outcomes were irrational. Everything I did was from fear.
Finally, when I realized that I was not honest with myself, I finally saw why my life did not work. I was a scared little girl in an adult body. I had gone to church all my life, but I was not connected with a loving awareness. A lack of faith stopped my conscious wakefulness and was keeping me insane, hopeless, and helpless. I did not understand faith.
Not trusting love was a major issue; I found that my ego was running the show in my mind, which projected my fear driven life around me. Learning that my ego’s fear is powerless unless I give it power was profound. This meant I could release my negativity that kept me ineffective. I had to change my life into loving behaviours and thoughts for loving consequences. Cause and effect became real to me.
I started to take an inventory each evening to see if I had been selfish or generous, dishonest or honest, frightened or courageous. My list grew with more self-searching to identify and change my thoughts and efforts for the next day. I found replacing self-pity, that I learned from my mother, with gratitude was a huge shift in my life. When I started directing my life from the fruits of the spirit listed in the Bible, my life really started to feel better. I was merging into a conscious contact with a loving higher power.
My bubble of protection had kept me from reality. I had stayed in a depression and dependent from my fear-based life. I found a great relief in the information that said I could walk out of my ego’s messages. I had been hiding from life trying to be safe because I did not deserve good things. Living in these lies of the ego kept me imprisoned.
I could open the door to this prison and leave. I felt hope for the first time. With new information, my fears started to melt. A friend told me there is always hope. I found that fear is the lack of information.
When I substituted the positive for the negative, the bubble burst into feeling good. Ultimately, my new love-based life gradually opened into the unlimited prosperity of the universe. My old emotions progressively left and new good feelings replaced them. I became honest, open-minded, and willing to change into reality.
For more about Marilyn Redmond check out my website Angelica’s Gifts, Amazon.com, Youtube, and my blog.