I did not know about resentments, as that word was new to me in my search for a new existence. Because my main feeling was fear, I tried to arrange my life and the life of others for safe outcomes. I learned the word resentment is another word for anger. It is an anger that keeps coming back repeatedly in my head and it takes up rent-free space. Interestingly, when I no longer had fears, my resentments needed to leave, too. I had no fears to cover.
Angry people are usually tolerated; however, resentment for me is an obstacle to being in my new life. Listing them and seeing how staying angry with others gave them, power over me was a new awareness. I was reacting and staying a victim. I had to see that in being aggrieved, I was allowing these people or situations to dominate me.
It was time to realize that my anger came from an immature perception; it came from early abuse. At a young age, I heard the message that nice little girls do not get angry. Paradoxically, my parents fought every night. I did not even know I was angry, as not being able to express it, or talk about it was silently forbidden.
I received no validation from my family. Being busy and doing chores that were never done, kept me occupied and suppressed my feelings. Over the years, they grew deeper. Not having feelings allowed me to push ahead, more and more longing to be recognized by my family.
I studied diligently to get good grades for acknowledgement by my parents. Coming home with another high mark from school, did not get their attention. My grades were so high that I became valedictorian in high school. Wining the privilege to solo with a symphony through years and hours of practicing again brought no comments on my achievements. Graduating from college becoming a teacher, did not bring any gifts, cards, or congratulations from my family or husband. I felt like a failure.
My feelings were well stuffed by the time I was married, had a family, and was teaching. I did not know I was angry or had resentments. Moreover, I was not happy about the way my life was going. I felt unfilled without a way to change it. I never got my way like other people.
In my therapy program, it was suggested I do an inventory of my resentments. I was surprised; I did not consciously know I had resentments or was angry. Ending up in a special counseling to release them, I was using boxing gloves to pound a padded wall to release anger toward my stepdad. Hitting a hassock with a tennis racket to release old anger about my husband and growing up, amazed me. It felt like the roots of anger were tree roots going deeper and deeper into the ground, beyond my expectations. I was extremely angry about my mistreatment. Discovering how bottomless they were astonished me.
It became necessary for me to accept people and situations the way they were. They were living their lives the best they knew how. Now, I had to look at these situations with different eyes than a three year old. I was acting like a little kid because life in the past had not gone my way. This is termed immaturity.
I just had to accept the reality of it and grow beyond the past into the present. That I had to accept life as it happens and not the way I wanted, was a new idea. I need to meet life on life’s terms and move on. Accepting people, places and things as they are, is not always easy. Lots of prayers and forgiveness were necessary to heal the past.
Interestingly, after taking an inventory of my interactions with others, I found I was inconsiderate of myself, by playing the victim. I gave others power over me while staying in the position of being an injured party.
Finding a person who understands the spiritual path helped me sort out the truth from the false. Their wisdom and experience helped me resolve the past that produced the resentments and angers. Learning that spiritually, I created these situations for my growth in this life, means I need to take responsibility for them. This allows me to grow into a mature mindset. When I embrace my power, the past is no longer the motivation for my current behavior or feelings.
Releasing hostility, making amends where appropriate, and forgiving them and myself was important. Then the past would no longer be the motivation for my current actions. In a new perception, I can master my emotions instead of reacting from them. Replacing that space with love, forgiveness, compassion, and unconditional love is the answer for me. I create a new basis for my life. My new retort is to respond in love to all of life’s challenges. This allows me to move into grace.
Accepting life as it happened and not the way I wanted was a new idea. Now, I respond in positive ways for all circumstances and situations. I need to meet life on life’s terms and grow beyond the past. I live in the present and enjoy a happier life.
Rev. Marilyn Redmond, BA, CHT, IBRT can help you find health, happiness and prosperity, too. She is a spiritual counselor, internationally board-certified regressionist, IBRT, hypnotist, ABH, teacher, speaker, and medium. In addition, she gives readings and is an ordained minister for spiritual healing. Marilyn’s 10 books are at Amazon and on line at Barnes and Nobel. Check her website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com . / See her 172 videos on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372, and her blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./ Contact her at marilyn@angelicasgifts.com