Christmas is a time for gifts. What kind of gifts are you giving this year? I always met my obligation to have gifts for the family members. This was not easy when growing up without an allowance and only a few babysitting jobs. Over the years, they were always given from duty. Somehow, I managed to find items that were useful. I had fulfilled my requirement.
I was not supposed to receive gifts because I was not worthy. Therefore, I did not have any real sentiment in the giving or the receiving. As I was emotionally shut down from my past trauma, I only acted as if I were into the gift giving. The packages at Christmas were very pretty in the colorful season wrappings and bows. I performed the wrapping of the gifs as a routine needing to be accomplished.
My unemotional life was the only one I knew at the time as I grew up and into my marriage. Holidays were not a joy to which I looked forward. My feelings were shut down and a holiday did not change that until I changed my life style when I needed to recover from a past of neglect, abuse, and trauma. The doctor told me I was dying.
I was living in fear where I swiftly reacted in survival reactions. I did not have life skills. Fortunately, I found answers for recovery into becoming a living human being. There was another way to address life. Finding a spiritual path that could replace the fear with love was unique and novel to me. Because I had nothing to lose, I decided to try this new path of faith and trust.
Gradually, I was able to release the past baggage of harms, people, and situations that were the bases of my life. I had never heard of faith in church or how powerful that could be. Growing in faith, I told myself. God I need more faith for this one, here we go again. I did feel faith come in. I continued to do this as I had more difficult life challenges emerge. Each time as my faith grew I was able to respond in more appropriate ways with loving practical actions.
Then I realized I had never trusted anyone, as my parents were mentally ill. I was neglected as a child. If you cannot trust your parents how do you trust a loving invisible energy, to be there for you. This was a big awareness for me. Over time, I was asking for the willingness to trust my Creator.
As I grew in this awareness, I realized that I had seen a commercial years ago about an insurance company. They were promoting people to trust in them. The advertisement showed a man on the edge of the cliff. He was invited to walk off the cliff into the hands of the insurance company and rely on them. I thought of my stepping into the hands of my Creator where I would be safe. This step of faith was not easy. However, as I was practicing faith, I realized that trust was not harmful and would bring me a conscious connection in a relationship with my higher power. I saw my challenge as an opportunity as if I were stepping up stars each time needing more faith for the next scary experience. It felt like I kept adding faith with the next step up. I felt more confidence over time.
With my newfound trust and faith, I continued to release the past baggage of fear, guilt, shame, resentment, anger and more. Replacing each one with love and grace felt good. . It made room for the next higher feelings to have space. I was camping at Death Valley National Park when in meditation. I actually felt grace and it was not just a word now it was a feeling.
Over the years while continuing to peel the onion, I now realize that it is also called growing up. I was outgrowing the past of a fear-based life from earlier mistreatment. The barriers to that truth are not blocking it like in the past. With many years of releasing the past and future worry, I moved into an experience of finding The Great Reality deep down within me. I have a new pair of glasses. I see only the love.
Love does heal. Lately, my medical concerns are improving. It feels like I am healing those conditions. I never felt so good; I am a happy, contented person and love my days helping others. In sharing my experiences, strength, and hope, I have a new life. Becoming a new person brings wonderful gifts, I never expected. Receiving respect and being honored by friends is a new world. I am not the same person who was dying years ago.
Changing my inner consciousness into love allows me to project the love of my existence and brings self-love and self-esteem. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally. My gift this Christmas is that I am still alive 38 years after the doctor told me, I was dying. My Christmas gift this year is celebrating my new life and that I am still alive to enjoy the blessings that have been waiting for me.