There are but four primary emotions we as humans can experience. All other emotions are a mix, match and collage of these four basic feelings: Anger, Anxiety, Sadness, Joy. That may look rather heavy on the ‘downers’ but it is interesting in itself to note the value judgement we can place on emotions. Anxiety mixed with joy, is experienced as excitement, is that so bad? Anger mixed with joy could feel like a surge of motivation. Sadness is a valuable sign to the body that it is time to sit with something, to process, to go into the fertile void and see what arises to lift us from sadness. Without the fire and drive of well-directed ‘anger’, where would we find the energy to create necessary change?
All our emotions are valuable, and valid. Babies know this. When they need something, when something isn’t right they freely express this in order to get their needs met and find their balance again (see Part One of this series for more on the need cycle). The needs of a baby are pretty basic (food, warmth, attention, comfort etc.) and of course these needs become more elaborate as our personalities develop, but the basic emotions that arise as a result of our needs being met, or not, remain the same. We do however learn all the different shades of the emotions as we grow – anger can soften into mild frustration, sadness into disappointment, joy into contentment. This can also play against us – we can soften or suppress our emotions to the point that we forget how to own and to feel what we really feel. Maybe the continually late trains don’t just annoy us, maybe they make us mad to our very core but we don’t feel free to express that openly in the moment (and save it for a faceless Twitter rant instead). Maybe the sadness felt at being left by a partner is shovelled under a more palatable display of righteous indignation (anger) and verbal man/woman bashing. Maybe anxiety at being prevented from living as we were designed to live (in the fresh air) turns itself into excessive behaviours and habits in order to focus that frustrated dynamic energy elsewhere.
Some of these coping strategies of not showing our fullest feelings in real time are actually quite useful for surviving day-to-day life. However, just as we can lose touch with physical areas of the body (again, see part one), so too can we lose touch with the truth of our emotions if we make a habit of ceasing to acknowledge and express them. And this can be a very dangerous thing. Emotions not expressed outwardly tend to turn inwards. Anger, continually supressed, can manifest as depression – preventing us from feeling joy. Anxiety – a powerful sign that the body is gearing up for something, that is to say – is operating on its sympathetic nervous system and is having a fight-or-flight response and filling up with adrenaline – needs to have an outlet. When that energy doesn’t have anywhere to go the stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol remain active in the body causing an ongoing sense of stress, incompletion, irrational fear, and wreaking havoc with the reproductive and digestive systems to name only two.
There is something extremely powerful about getting in touch with the truth of an emotion and expressing it appropriately, as an adult. To simply be able to say ‘I am very sad’, or ‘I am very angry’ – even to write it down – is an act of honouring what our body is designed to feel and to express. To be able to own those basic emotions and all their shades without judging their existence allows us to appropriately channel their energy without lashing out blindly or disguising them. Anger can create positive change; anxiety can focus our attention. Owning our sadness makes space for us to experience the heights of joy, instead of the two blending into a mediocre grey fog of middling existence.
When we can fully experience and name our own emotions, we also become more able to accept and allow the emotions of others. The little boy who is taught not to cry, or the girl who is taught that anger is not lady-like may grow into adults who are unable to accept these displays not only in themselves but in others. Sadness may make the man angry, anger may make the woman afraid – further compounding the spiral of suppression and misdirection. To be human means to feel – to experience our bodies, our needs, our emotions. To cut ourselves off from these experiences means to miss some of the juice of life. To not really know ourselves. Speaking for myself, I want to be all of me, not just bits of me. My journey, like a lot of women who donned the mantle of ‘good-girl’ as a child, is to learn what makes me angry and allow myself to say it. It does not mean I get to stamp my foot and slam doors willy-nilly, but I am practicing allowing myself to say “that annoys me” without the fear that saying such a radical thing may create world war three. Likely, it won’t. And in this way, by allowing myself and others to know what I really feel, I am allowing my needs to be met. Both my psychological need to experience and express the emotion, and my physical need for something to change (either by my action or another person’s) in order to reach a state of balance again. To reach a place of comfort.
So, over the last three instalments of ‘Your Body’s Language’ we have looked at 1) acknowledging physical needs in the body and getting them met 2) feeding the body with experiences so it knows what to ask for and 3) listening to your body’s emotional language. For your ‘homework’ this month – if you’re up for it – when you feel a surge that feels like it might be a feeling, just take a moment. Find the right word for the feeling you are having. Is it anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, frustration, perhaps even joy…? Your body will know when you hit the right word – you’ll feel it somewhere, maybe your heart, mind, or gut. Something will ‘ring true’ when you hit on the right word. A good therapist will be able to reflect the correct emotion back to you and you’ll also feel it ring true if someone else expresses it for you. It may take a little practice if you’re accustomed to suppressing, but you’re getting in touch with a primal ability so it might not take as much practice as you think. Once you know the right word for what you’re feeling, say thank you! Feelings, emotions are a gift. They are the waves that push us forward. But just for a now, don’t try to push anything – just sit with the feeling. No judgement, no trying to change it or fix it. Just allow it (NB: this is the tricky bit!). Allow yourself to feel that feeling, where in the body does it live? What does it want? A lot of the time all the emotions come out as tears, especially if they’ve been suppressed – and this is great. The quickest and easiest way for the body to get rid of old adrenaline (without having to work to metabolise, or move to use it up) is via tears, so thank them as well if they come. Once you’ve felt, acknowledged and allowed your feeling, then you can think about whether something needs to be done to get a need met, or if just allowing the feeling to exist is enough.
You’ll know.
If you really don’t know, or if your emotions are too painful to experience or become such that you struggle to function then please, please allow yourself to ask for help from a qualified and registered counsellor or psychotherapist. Go to the BACP or UKCP websites (see below) to find a registered therapist near you. Asking for help is taking a stand for getting your needs met, and sign that you really are listening to your body’s language.
For further assistance or to find a qualified and registered therapist visit:
www.bacp.co.uk (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy)
www.ukcp.org.uk (UK Council for Psychotherapy)