Driving us Mad

Probably one of the most emotive subjects for debate is our own, or other peoples driving. Perhaps on a par with the pro and anti smoking argument, everyone has an opinion about driving, including folks who either have never driven, don’t drive now and have not taken or passed a driving test. Hold on tight, there may be trouble ahead!

I should state at this point that I have no intention of giving a lecture on driving or any indication, (ho ho like many drivers) of my opinions, but I’m sure some of my views will come through. So standing on my partly tongue in cheek high morale ground I mention that I did actually pass both my driving and motorbike/scooter tests first time and in my teens, and have driven in many countries across the world.

One of my regular countries I drive in is France, about 3 months a year off and on, and where readers of Bonjour France will no doubt identify when I mention a new French national sport. This entails attempting to get as near to the rear of your car without actually touching it. Well in most cases anyway. Alongside thisis the other French custom of overtaking on two way roads, lines of traffic which forces the overtaker to pull in and brake sharply, thus ensuring the following line of traffic has to do the same. Great fun, but somewhat needless in a country that has an excellent road system and a similar population to Britain in a country nearly three times the size.

So on that point on to poem number one in this piece

.

Speedy End

The fool in a desperate hurry

Roars his car against the bend,

Whilst every other driver

Knows just how this will end.

His metal box wrapped round him

The wheel crushed on his chest,

How many times you tell him

He thinks he knows what’s best.

So he goes on taking chances

Driving over lights at red,

And the sad fact of the matter

Is that soon he will be dead.

And his family will be mourning

For his death and lack of years,

But it’s too late now for lessons

All that’s left are wasted tears!

One down then, (poem) but more to come as I have recently had a “focus your mind” incident recently.

Last November on a quiet an clear Sunday morning, but no glaring sun, at about 09.30 am I was knocked off my motor scooter by a car driving across me. He apparently hadn’t seen me. To make this even more surprising is the fact that I was riding a shiny white scooter and wearing a bright canary yellow high visibility jacket. My witness said he couldn’t believe it as he had seen me coming about a hundred yards away. To be fair the (young) driver was mortified and openly admitted responsibility, well he could hardly not, but everything got sorted very quickly. My four month old scooter was written off has been replaced by another new one. The only consolation was that I wasn’t too hurt much, just badly bruised shins, but sadly I don’t bounce so well these days!

My next poem I am very confident will ring bells with many readers and as a lead it in I will recount a pun on an old car advert that always amused me! “Your new car, designed by a computer, built by a robot and driven by a moron!” Yes, well moving on to poem two.

Wheel I Never

We are such perfect drivers

And so never make mistakes,

But curse the other motorist

On the silly way he overtakes.

Now most modern motor cars

Have robot and computer gain,

But then given to many a driver

Who has horse dung for a brain!

Bright indicators flash and wink

Even in darkness they are shone,

But a shameful waste of time

When morons won’t turn them on.

Thus thinking that they’re coming

Fast and across your vehicle’s cleft,

So you just sit waiting patiently

As they selfishly just turn left!

Of course traffic jams will annoy

With cars forced into tight clinches,

Made more stressful by the driver

When two feet he goes and pinches.

Which must reduce his journey time

By small split seconds in the hour,

But the look of his ecstatic joy

In the gridlock soon turns sour!

Driving in the heavy rain and wet

With the car in darkness cloaked,

Our clown with no lights shining

Won’t see pedestrians he’s soaked.

Oh motor car and the motorist

Not such a blissful match of two,

For some drivers are always lethal

Because of the stupid things they do!

Like getting in a car to drive

With alcohol reducing their skill,

Saying that they’re safe and sound

Despite innocent people they’ll kill!

Other motorists then? Well they are nearly always wrong and we are right, but in the way of life I guess things normally work out, and you reap what you sow. In that I mean if you drive in an intelligent and considerate manner you are mostly safe, unless in the wrong place at the wrong time for a freak accident or someone being recklessly stupid.

However there is one driving hazard that whilst it is inanimate and meant for safety, can be a real nuisance however you drive. It certainly is for me, so I present my “ode to speed bumps” in my poem Bump Hump.

Bump Hump

Nothing is more certain sure

To give me the real “mint lump,”

Than getting bounced and rattled

By an oversized speed bump!

They seem now to have multiplied

And spread as weeds on a lawn,

So however you try to avoid them

Your chances are quite forlorn.

Large ones and some wide types

Even the narrow little bars,

No matter how you cross them

They ensure each muscle jars!

Yes I know that they’re for safety

And to slow fast drivers down,

But they bunch the traffic up too

So you will always get the clown,

Who tries to miss them out,

Swerving on your side of the road

As if some right of free passage

Was just on him bestowed.

So we’re lumbered with these bumps

Which seem as big as hills,

That crash you down the other side

Just like roller coaster thrills.

For whatever technique you try

To negotiate these barricades,

Driving very slowly or diagonally

Your frustration just cascades.

So accept them as we must

For they are surely here to stay,

Or just seek diversions round them

That may take forever and a day!

So that is a look at some aspects of driving that at times make us angry, frustrated or even wonder why we do it, and I am sure you have your own opinions and pet hates. Hopefully you can identify with some of my points, both serious or hopefully humorous but above all please drive safely!

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