‘You’re fired!’ Those words must put dread into the soul of any candidates on The Apprentice. Assuming of course they actually have souls. It always seems in doubt at the beginning of each series as they stride arrogantly into the board room in their shiny suits and impossible to breathe in dresses looking like identibots.
The Apprentice is back on telly and you may love it or loathe it (I love it!). Is it representative of the experience of a business trying to make its mark in the world? Of course not – it’s carefully crafted, car crash telly, but there is always much to be learned.
Here is how not to succeed in business – The Apprentice-style!
Business experience hyperbole
Use outrageous statements to boast about how amazing you are and that your awesomeness will overwhelm everyone.
You will only live to regret the statement that your first words were ‘profit’, pretty much the first time you offer your product or services at a bargain-basement price without a thought for the impact on your bottom line.
But let’s spend a moment in golden-tinged reminiscence for Stuart Bagg’s (may he rest in peace) “I’m not a one-trick pony… I’ve got a whole field of ponies, waiting to literally run towards this”
Backpedal on those claims
Proudly brag that you’re an expert at x – until asked to do something related to x when you suddenly have to admit that you only once saw an advert for x out of the corner of your eye, not that you are the expert in that niche as your LinkedIn profile/CV claims.
My word is final
Overrule and belittle everyone – ‘I’ve heard your ideas and I’m dismissing them with a smug sneer’ and you end up with a revolution on your hands. Expect to be viciously thrown under the bus at the next board meeting, where you will be in the bottom three because your team will have lost. Or if you have staff – they will walk, and you’ll have a reputation as someone who is difficult to work with.
Business Blinkers
You get swept away with what seems to be a genius idea and power it through, sweeping aside any concerns raised by anyone else. The result – a turd coloured wave for a logo (or turd coloured toothbrush! There seems to be a theme developing!).
Had they thought about it for more than a nanosecond, they could easily have made it more appealing. Here is my five-second amateur re-imagining of it that at least makes slightly more sense and is less reminiscent of something you blew into your hankie!
Whilst it’s important to know your own mind, it is good to listen to advice, especially if more than one person raises concerns.
Have unrealistic figures in your business plan
Nothing makes a mockery of what could otherwise be a great business plan than outrageously unrealistic revenue figures. We will undoubtedly see it at the interview stage where the candidates try and bullsh*t highly successful entrepreneurs with nonsensical, unfounded figures. And any potential investors will savage you if you do it too (spoken as someone who still bears the scars from a Dragon’s Den presentation I once did).
What always amazes me is that by the end of the process, despite the muppetry of the previous 11 episodes, there is always a credible winner.
Many of us could create a multimillion-pound business if we too had an investment of £250k and support from a team of experts. And that’s not to say it’s not possible – people do get investments like this, but it certainly takes a lot more effort than 12 weeks of live humiliation on telly.