It took several years to realize that even when I thought I was helpful or caring for others, it was not true. I wanted to be a loving mother, a great wife, and excellent teacher. I was a terrific teacher with the subject matter, but my emotional life was in shambles. My students learned the subjects well. However, I was not emotionally available. Gradually, I realized I was not present to my husband, children or class. I was sending out my defenses to keep myself safe. It was survival. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. What I am is what I project to those around me. I had nothing to give.
I looked for my stability, love, and saving me outside myself. I thought this would provide my wellbeing. I thought they were to supply my needs. Ultimately, they failed to satisfy my needs and I did not know how to meet my needs either. Thinking others were accountable for my unhappiness by falling short of their being able to be there for me was my focus. I blamed them for my problems. I could not see the people I picked were not there for themselves. However, I kept my unrealistic ideas that they were responsible for making me happy.
When I first heard Let It Begin with Me, I could not believe that I should focus on myself and ask myself what I want. This was a lifelong embedded trait I had to address. The saying altered my life in a very real way. For years, I thought if people liked my husband, they would like me. This had to change. Living my identity through my husband, daughter or son had to stop. I had to put the spotlight on myself. I was taught this is selfish. I knew what my husband demanded, what my children needed, and how to meet the routines for teaching. I had to know all this to be safe and out of the line of attack.
As my children and husband left, I was without an identity. In contemplation, I heard that I had to develop a realistic self-esteem and complete myself. I could not blame others anymore for my unhappiness. They did not do it to me, I did it to myself, I found out as I began taking an inventory of my life and applying spiritual principles. This meant I had to get honest with myself. The more self-honesty the better my results, I discovered.
Taking simple steps to find myself was the best path. I bought a new shower curtain to replace the one I did not like, but was always too afraid to say anything in the past. I picked out one to match my color scheme and I loved the design. This brought a sense of self-esteem for the first time. That gave me courage to redecorate the whole house. I loved picking out the white couches and light colored rugs to replace the dark dreary colors that had been the theme. In addition, I took a position teaching metaphysics in a junior college when I retired from public school teaching. This fit me well as the new me was emerging. I was on track to fill myself with what I wanted and who I am.
After a trip to Australia and snorkeling at the Great Barrier Reef, I began painting the underwater coral and sea life. This took me to sign up for art lessons, and my art career was ignited from my childhood dreams. I wrote a poem about Sidney, Australia and other experiences in Australia. This propelled my poetry and art that was included in my first book. During a poetry convention in New York, where I went to receive a poetry award, I heard about a writing conference in Santa Barbara California that I attended for 8 years. My writing beyond poetry flowered while attending local writing classes,too. My first book, “Roses Have Thorns”, was for sale at the conference in California. I have been writing books ever since and illustrating them.
I joined a spiritual study group called Search for God. I was asked to give spiritual programs for them, counseling, and do past life therapy to members and others. I went for more training as a spiritual counselor, psychic/medium for giving readings, and talking to those passed over. Becoming an international board certified regressionist, IBRT, to do past life regressions and accepted as a certified hypnotherapist on the American Board of Hypnotherapy, ABH, to reframe the past harms of my clients gave me needed credentials. In addition, traveling around the world to spiritual sites with the Edgar Cayce’s A.R.E organization, I was told in meditation, that I was revisiting many of my own past life experiences.
With my new growth in finding myself, I found my lifelong partner in my spiritual study group. My fellow and I attended classes for healing through mediumship. He does Pranic Energy Healing while I channel masters and angels for spiritual/emotional information to heal the situation or condition of the client. For many years, we have been available for free weekly healings.
Becoming the person I wanted in a relationship was a scary step for me. Since he was not a hugger at the time, I had to set the example by hugging. Then, I began sharing my feelings when I realized it was safe to do this. One night, he ran up the stairs from his hot tub, eager to share with me his answer in meditation. Since then, we have been able to share everything we need to about ourselves and have great communication while trusting each other to be open and honest. My being the example was coming back to me.
The universe has spiritual laws. They are laws of transformation. The most simple of the laws is “Love Transforms”. It means that no matter what kind of a condition, situation, and relationship you are dealing with, when you bring love to that circumstance of life, it will change, it will be lifted, and it will be transformed. Universal Law rules everything in the earth. We are included in that “everything”, for The Universal Laws operate in every experience of our lives, no matter who we are or where we are, or what we are doing. Their essence and purpose bring the continuation for manifesting infinite love of the cosmo to you and to me. When I learned to live from loving direction, I changed and my life changed. Today is nothing like it was as I grew up. My book, “Paradigm Busters” has the details of my transformation. I created a new reality around me.
I know who I am and I am proud of it. What I give away is what I have. They return wonderful outcomes. As I gain in self-esteem, self-respect, caring, thoughtfulness, kindness, compassion, and nurturing I project it out to others. It comes back in loving appropriate ways. Love never fails. I can trust my feelings and trust trustworthy people. I am emotionally available. It is a life of harmony, joy, and having the sensations of being inwardly successful and fulfilled.
Check out my website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com /
Books: at https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC
Barnes and Nobel https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Marilyn+Redmond?_requestid=16065424
180 videos on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372
Blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./