When I first read, there is a design for living that works in rough going I was taken back. I know how to die. Raised in a dysfunctional family of alcoholism, abuse, and mental illness I found I inherited their genetic and behavioral predispositions, including a liver that did not digest alcohol or mind and mood altering medications like a normal person. With a new understanding of why my life seemed like a nightmare brought the realization that I had a death wish; each drink or prescription pill was another nail in my coffin. Surprisingly, I knew at a deep level, I wanted to live.
I suffered and endured my adversity of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual maltreatment until I could leave for college. Unsuspectingly, I found a fellow at my first college dance, who also was in my music classes. For the first time I found someone, I could talk with and seemed to be a mutual companion. We married and raised a family. Over the years, life became more of a problem and I found myself playing out my parents’ marriage of domestic violence.
When my husband tried to kill me the last time, I had called out to God, “”Please help me, I really do not want to die.” Within days, I ended up in treatment hearing information about the disease of alcoholism. Growing up in the forties, alcoholism was not common knowledge like it is today.
In rehab, I heard that I had a disease and I was not a bad person, but a sick person needing to get well. Through recovery, I found my husband and I had the same history of an abusive background, mental illness, and alcoholism. In treatment, I found my answers. I needed to persist into a sane and healthy life style. What did a toxic substance have to do with being beaten, strangled, or raped? How could I be insane, I had 7 years of college and taught school for many years with excellent reviews? Church never told to me to turn my life over to the care of a God, of my understanding.
I never had any understanding about why my life was the way it was; however, I was committed to get well. It made sense when I heard the universal law that “Like attracts like”. I am alive today through applying the 12 step spiritual programs for healing my past. With newfound solutions and support, I could get a divorce and walk away from the insanity.
Then I needed a trusted person to share my fears, resentments, and difficulties. Expressing my harms and abuse was not easy for me. This was the first time anyone even listened to me, or I had any permission to speak up or have feelings about my past troubles. I did not have to block my emotions of the past. However, after finally telling my story, I started waking up into why my life was so complicated.
Over time, I realized that I had the very faults I blamed in my husband and that I had attracted the relationship to me as if I were a magnet. He was my mirror to what I had to change in me. In stopping the old cycle, I chose to live and not carry on in my old ways that perpetuated the problems. I wanted to release my side of the street. What goes around comes around. I could send out love and compassion to him for his horrendous childhood, instead of trying to defend myself. Now, I could send love and pray for him, which stopped the conflict.
I found out that defending myself feels like an assault to someone else. Learning that safety is the complete relinquishment of attack, I found my new inner message was telling me that my Heavenly Father loved me unconditionally. This mended my abandonment issues.
Subsequently, I attended a weekend workshop for answers to help me find new answers about my predicament. I heard the facilitators read the information and I heard it from their understanding instead of my reading it through my fearful ego/brain. All of a sudden, the light came on and I understood my dilemma and the solution.
Others at the seminar decided to offer classes to share this solution with others. I was asked to participate once a month as a leader. From helping others for 27 years, I found the answers to my own quandaries. Discovering that my fears attract to me the very dread I held, was huge to me. I was full of fear and needed to release them. The answer was to replace each fear into faith. I cannot have fear and faith at the same time.
In helping others resolve their resentments, I found that anger/resentments are from the past because life or people did not go my way. The answer was to release the past, as it is history. Forgiveness “gives up” the past “for” a new day. Living in the “Now” releases my anger.
When letting go of the past guilt and shame, it is possible to replace that with being a child of God, created in His likeness of love. After identifying each fear, resentment, guilt, and shame and replacing them with love and grace, brought a new perception. “Perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4 “God’s grace is sufficient” 2 Corinthians 12:9 Now, I can refill the space from what I do not want for what I do want.
I found life is an adventure to move forward and out of past harms of abuse or future worries, trauma, and neediness. I can now live in the moment which is a gift and why it is called The Present. Love never fails. Today, I am happy, joyous, and free of my ego. I have a life today beyond my imagination feeling good. I finally had a design for living. Becoming a whole person in joy, gratitude and the presence of love brings heaven to earth.
Check out my website, https://www.angelicasgifts.com /
Books: at https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC
Barnes and Nobel https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Marilyn+Redmond?_requestid=16065424 176 videos on You Tube at https://www.youtube.com/user/puyallup98372
Blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./