LIFE IS AN INSIDE JOB
BY Rev. Marilyn L. Redmond
What is co-decency? Codependency: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs) broadly: dependence on the needs of or on control by another. This is the definition for codependency in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
What’s more, a codependent person does not recognize the responsibility individuals have for their own behavior and for seeking change. The other person in the relationship may be narcissist. The dictionary explains Narcissism, as an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. I found over time that these seem to go together in an unhealthy relationship.
A friend suggested I go for help and I knew I needed help I first heard the term co-dependent when I was in treatment for codependency in a hospital setting. . I had no idea what codependency was or what it meant at that time.
With three weeks in treatment, I found answers that my behavior and thinking were not realistic. I was without any way to be in an honest and healthy relationship. Each day I received information, .films, learned meditation, and attended a discussion circle of other women in the same hospital program. Realizing I had a life style that did not work was not new to me, but I had no way to address it. My answer was to try suicide out of my domestic violence marriage of alcoholism, mental illness, rage, and addictions.
Realizing I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically dependent on other people, especially my parents, husband, relatives, and a few acquaintances, was a rude awakening. This extended into my marriage even though I was trying to find healthier surroundings. I am still finding the depths of my neediness and reliance on others many years later. However, my neediness no longer predominates as it did in the past.
It took years later to realize my co-dependency was with a narcissist. The psychiatrist called my husband’s behavior that of a psychopath “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” —Paramahansa Yogananda Also gaslighting can be a major part of the dominant one in the relationship. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes someone to lose his or her sense of perception and self-worth. I found all these labels of behavior could be combined. They combine to become a person’s personality for survival.
Discovering I was the other side of this kind of relationship was alarming. He was my mirror. I never saw myself as anything but a nice, quiet wife, teacher, and mother. I had a mask to protect myself and look good to others. .At one point I realized my husband and I were both two peas in the same pea pod. I had a similar emotional past as he did. I understood that like attracts like. I acted out my characteristics passively and he acted out as the aggressor in the game of passive aggressive behavior. I had to change me not to attract another unhealthy person in my life.
With years of recovery, I have come into a more complex understanding of my dependence. I was raised in a family that never grew up themselves, as their background did not provide love, respect, or caring. There was no nurturing, fostering of my emotional life, or hugs. In my day, there was a baby-raising book that did not encourage holding or other touching; I was not held to be bottle-fed. The bottle was propped up to feed me. The book told the parents not to pick up the child when crying; so I was never attended to, for resolving my troubles. As I grew into childhood, there was no talk, no trust, and no communications. I was to do the chores; I never received a compliment, thank you, or acknowledgement of the job being done, there was just another chore. This developed into my being an overachiever and workaholic looking for love and recognition. I found his childhood was no better.
In school, I did not make friends easily as a result of not being part of the family, I did not know how to be a friend or in a group. I felt lonely, disserted, and the outcast from people. Even thought I sat in the first chair for the flute in the band and orchestra, won awards for my successes as Valedictorian, and was the first member of the family to graduate from college. There was no recognition. My stepfather years 30 year later said, “We did not get you a college graduation gift, did we?” Moreover, I never did get a gift or other acknowledgement of many achievements. I was never recognized or validated as a living human being.
I found myself looking outside myself for answers that were not there at home. My teachers acknowledged my work in good grades; I hoped my parents would do the same. In college, I found a fellow who did acknowledge me. I had found a person who I could talk with easily. I did not understand at the time that was because he was just as ignored and abused in his childhood. We dated in college and were engaged, when I realized his anger was more than I could deal with.
However, with a baby on the way, we got married. Over time, life became more abusive as in my family growing up. I had brought my old self into a new circumstance that resembled what I thought I had left. At the end, he was trying to kill me and I was trying suicide to get out of the miserable situations. Without co-dependency treatment, I would never have had any tools to leave the marriage.
Learning about self-esteem, self-love, and that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me was new. I could now identify the resentments, angers, guilt, and shame of the past and let them go. I learned to let go and let God. I now base my life in reality that I am worthy and have love within my heart.. I found the God within.
After my divorce, over time, I learned to forgive my abusers and family. I prayed what I wanted, abundance, health, love, and more, for those that had mistreated me. This is about giving up the past for a new day. I wanted to move into living my life on a daily basis without being triggered from the past. Praying brought a new perspective to my life. I realized my parents had worse childhoods than I did and did the best they could. This bought compassion. I could feel their pain. I continue to pray for them, it keeps me humble.
I have come to understand my past taught me to look outside myself for the answers to life. I looked to religion, people who were experts, answers in books, government, education, medicine, and others; I read biographies trying to find how other people lived their lives. It was not until I found a spiritual path that I learned to mediate and listen to my heart where I found the real answers to life. I read in ‘A Course in Miracles” that says, ” Noting outside yourself can save you; nothing outside yourself can give you peace.”
This meant I found that I could find my answers within when I listen to my intuition from my heart and in meditation. Instead of being a barnacle to someone to take care of me, I can rely on my inner self, the God within, to take care of me and provide all the answers I need for each situation. Life is an inside job.
I had to change me to become a magnet to attract a partner that I truly wanted. With several years of reprogramming my thoughts, words, and actions from a fear base life into a love based life. I did find a fellow who was healthy. With over 25 years in a relationship of unconditional love, I know you can do it too.
I had depended on the wrong answers for life. Finding the real me and knowing that I am part of the universe created in love has given me a sense of power and acceptance for which I l always longed. There is nothing wrong with me and there never was. I had been looking for love in all the wrong places. Today, as a citizen of the universe, I love myself and have healed the past. I wrote my story and how I changed myself in my book, “Paradigm Busters” at Amazon. Today, I I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. In my relationship, we are responsible for ourselves and share our experiences. Each day is an adventure.
Marilyn is a great soul…She is one of my most successful Lightworkers and I am extremely proud of her and grateful for her contribution to our earth. She is simply the best! –With gratitude and admiration for her talent and skill. Linda Schiller-Hanna Founder, Natural Psychic School of Metaphysics, Founder of Angel Love Healing Center, Speaker: Edgar Cayce’s A. R.E . Intuition Trainer.
Paradigm Busters at Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Rev.+Marilyn+L.+Redmond&i=digital-text&crid=8MUSPYY42KU8&sprefix=rev.+marilyn+l.+redmond%2Cdigital-text%2C156&ref=nb_sb_noss
My video interview and radio interview on YouTube are here for your enjoyment.
Video Interview: https://youtu.be/qtVR11ug0NY
Radio Interview: https://www.blogtalkradio.com/closeupradio/2024/08/02/part-4-close-up-radio-welcomes-back-marilyn-redmond-of-angelicas-gifts