Over the years, I learned to let go of past painful luggage and future worries for a daily pleasant mood. Moving into the present or “Now” is another way to say I am emotionally here at the time, and awake in my life. To move out of the past trauma of the family that was passed onto me was essential. I have almost died 13 times and wondered why all these experiences happened.
I found that I carried the emotional trauma of my parents and was defending myself by shutting down for protection against my being killed as they had experienced this threat growing up in their lives. I was perpetuating my being killed. Like in the movie “Ground Hog Day”, I kept coming back. In my trying to protect myself through tightening my physical body was a way I unconsciously thought would save me. Along with the conditioning through religion and the culture, I did not believe I was a worthy person.
Trying to compensate for being worthy, I became a workaholic and overachiever to prove myself, too worthy to be killed. This week I went into burnout from all the work, I continue to do even in my older years way past retirement. This gave me time to meditate and receive the patterning of being threatened to be killed had actually attracted me to a marriage where he often tried to kill me. At several points giving up on myself, I tried suicide.
This means the work of releasing hurtful feelings and experiences of the past brings me out of reacting from the harms of growing up and my family history passed on to me. When releasing fears and childhood false beliefs, there is room for my inner love to blossom. Freeing those thoughts and ideas that are not aligned with love, created the space where love can expand. My life gradually improved with self-searching, pray, and meditation. Growing beyond fears, past harms, and false beliefs is often called maturity or Christ Consciousness.
Now, facing life’s challenges is possible. Life around me seems different. I am not seeing issues around me in the same perception. They never died and I have not died from the hostile occurrence. I now understand we are threatened with death through religion, medicine and other cultural lies. Our soul never dies as shown in the movie. We keep coming back. We can release the lie for the truth of everlasting life like our Creator as a child of a caring universe.
My new vision sees a bigger picture. It feels like I am not being caught up in the drama of politics, religions, medicine, or family. It is a sense of being in the “eye of the hurricane”, where it is calm. The winds are blowing beyond me; however, they are not affecting me.
I first recognized my new experience at my fellow’s family Christmas meal several years ago. They were his family and he would not miss their traditional Christmas morning brunch. In the past, being around members of his family was uncomfortable. It was not an easy event for me. I was in a room of people where I was not part of the family; I felt out of place.
However, this year, I was present, feeling composed, pleasant, and calm instead of reacting to the drama as I had in the past. I did not have the same negative feelings. Everything seemed neutral; however, they had not changed. It took me some time to realize it felt like serenity. My issues were dissolved and gone. This new experience was pleasant, but unfamiliar. I had changed by not reacting to them. Could I do this with the rest of my life? I found myself emotionally moved away from my conclusions of the past, to accepting each person as they are. I had moved into being current.
I know today that those situations outside of me are a representation of what I need to heal in me. This understanding formed a new me; I had been my own foe. I do not have to relive my parents or my old nightmare anymore. Today, I have self-love. I do not need them to love me, take care of me, or keep me from being lonely. I am worthy and was born valuable. My inner spiritual awareness is alive and well, taking care of me better than anyone has ever in my past finally, I am content with those around me and myself.
“Live and let Live” is a slogan that I finally understood. I release the anger and expectations from what went on before. Seeing those who had been distressing to me in the past was providing me with another issue within myself to heal. Everyone is exactly where he or she is supposed to be in his or her experience. Understanding that they are being themselves, and it is not my job to change them, is emerging in my life.” Later when old emotional problems surfaced from my side of the family, I found I could place myself in the calm center again. It comes from within and not from reacting to those around me.
If I focus on what I am doing and send forgiveness, love, and accept those around me, I am acting mature. This peace surpasses all understanding. I have now joined the realm of reality. I establish a conscious contact with my inner spirit to keep me in the present.
Surprisingly recently, I found myself in grief. Feeling grief is new to me. Letting go of the old me was bringing up sorrow for the past leaving and dying. However, I like the idea of my previous feelings and difficulty leaving. The earlier issues are no longer a concern. They are history and no longer relevant to my being present now. I am detached from my earlier years of troubles, people, and situations. Living in the moment is a gift and why it is called The Present. Culture is about unworthiness Life is about joy.
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Books: at https://www.amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC
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Blog at http://marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./