by Steve Cook
Reports are just coming in that a man has been found in Brazil who has not been spied on by the NSA.
The scientific community has been left reeling in shock at the discovery. Thought to be the most amazing revelation since as long ago as this morning, the plight of Amazonian tribal leader Ktesippemay may force us to re-evaluate everything we thought we knew about human history.
It is a revelation on a par with last week’s announcement that researchers discovered the so-called “Barratt Homes” stele deep under the base of the Great Pyramid at Giza or the earlier photo released by NASA of an abandoned Tesco trolley in the Sea of Tranquillity on the Moon (see picture).
But is this just a hoax fabricated by terrorist groups? Are such groups seeking thereby to undermine the NSA’s reputation for thoroughness in harvesting information vital to the insecurity of the entire planet, such as knowing whenever anyone in any hotbed of sedition -such as the Northern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere and so on – goes to the loo or eats Brussels Sprouts?
There was only one way to find out and in the hope of meeting the legendary Ktesippemay, this reporter rushed to the darkest depths of the Amazon Rainforest, to a village in Rondônia whose name must be withheld for security reasons.
After a five day trek through the jungle equipped only with a hovercraft, a Black And Decker strimmer and an ipod, I made my way to a village so remote you cannot even find it on Googlemaps or the A-Z of the Rainforest (2010 edition).
At the end of my journey I came upon a settlement almost completely isolated from civilisation, a huddle of mud huts with stone tools and vintage-1990s surveillance cameras. Yet remarkably, the tiny village manages to survive without modern medicine, vitamin deficiencies or juvenile delinquency, something thought impossible by multinational corporations everywhere.
It was there that I did indeed meet the legendary Ktesippemay and can confirm that he does exist. He is also well miffed.
Indeed, he is close to being traumatised by the experience of being the only man on Earth overlooked by the NSA. Thought to be suffering from a rare psychiatric disorder known as SODS (Spied-on Deficiency Syndrome) the symptoms of which include being invisible to spy satellites and not having a Facebook account, an angry Ktesippemay expressed his intention to call Barak Obama and subject him to verbal abuse until fobbed off by the traditional platitudes and fibs. He fully intends to strongly express his humiliation and hurt as soon as the village has access to the “magic tellingbone”, his word for the ipods, ipads and p-pods all westerners use as a substitute for social interaction.
He explained that as the Head Man of his tribe he expects to be treated with the same disrespect as national leaders across the world. Without it, he finds it difficult if not impossible to hold his head high as the leader of his tribe.
Mr Ktesippemay went on to elaborate that it seriously undermines his credibility in so far as the oversight makes him look like a “right plonker” (loosely translated from the local Maxakalían dialect) and he cannot hope to maintain the respect of his people without the customary mud hut bugging, subdermal implant, gaps in his memory or the presence of a fashionable barcode tattoo just under the hair line.
An ashen-faced spokesperson for the NSA, Janet Leaksmother issued a statement saying the Agency was at a loss to explain the oversight, especially as every care was taken to be thorough and “leave no human right unturned” in the admittedly pointless quest for eternal dominion over the Earth.
With NSA agents now outnumbering the global population by a ratio of almost two to one, questions are being asked on Capitol Hill as to whether some of the 16 trillion dollar monthly NSA budget may have been frittered away on not reporting to the President what someone is doing.
The President is thought to have reacted furiously when he was told that someone was walking around without his knowledge and his security staff are worried that an unwatched Mr Ktesippemay could at any moment and without warning have chucked a spear through the living room window of the Whitehouse.
The NSA meanwhile is at pains to reassure the public that despite this remarkable lapse in vigilance, its efforts to have the movements or non-movements of everyone monitored by nerds in Washington have produced a “rich harvest of intelligence information”
They cite the discovery, a culmination of many years of dedicated effort, of the remarkable fact that most of the world’s population does not, for some reason, like the American government. This astoundingly truculent attitude prevails despite its strenuous efforts to be really popular through the export of high explosives, teaching world leaders how to sing from the same song sheet, vastly expanding the car parking space in cities across the Middle East, deposing despots installed by the CIA and many other humanitarian efforts.
Steve Cook is the author of the novel “Genghis Kant.”