After sharing with my trusted friend, my life became more smooth and pleasant for a while. It was a relief to not have those burdens on my shoulders. I could relax and have less apprehension until my angers and resentments surfaced.
Making a choice to release my burdens and troubles was new to me. The feelings and emotions that I had allowed to run my life disconnected me from belonging. When I deny myself, I deny the love within. Every time I see myself as ‘not good enough,’ in lack, or insufficiency of any kind, or not safe. I am in denial of the real me. Thinking that it is humble to deny my talents and abilities, I really deny the divinity within.
Resistance to change kept me doing the same thing over and not questioning if there was a better way. Deciding to move out of my previous thinking, threatened my family. However, my acceptance of the truth ends my denial. Most people are not into self-examination and inquiring. Therefore, it became important to find people who support my new ideas and purpose. My friends and jobs changed.
However, realizing that I did not need anger to cover the fear was a new understanding. It was time for me to acknowledge I had anger even rage. In my early years children were to be seen and not heard. In addition, the unspoken message was nice little girls do not get angry. Stuffing my anger about my mistreatment was safe. When I was younger, there was no communication or feelings in our home. I suffered in quiet desperation.
However, now my resentments became obvious. Not only were my fears an obstacle to my prosperity and new life, but so was my anger. Listing them and seeing how staying angry with others gave them power over me. I was reacting and staying a victim. I began to see that these people or situations were dominating my life. It was time to finish cleaning house.
I found that anger comes from my perception. I could see myself angry because I was not getting my way, I did not like the way others were acting, or living their lives. Moreover, I was not happy about the way my life was going. It became necessary to accept people and situations the way they are. They are living their lives as they choose. It is not my responsibility to direct their lives for my benefit. The resentment was like a temper tantrum. This is immaturity.
How was I going to release my angers? I bought some helium balloons and wrote the names of the people with whom I was angry on each one. I let them go up into the sky until I they disappeared. This letting go was a relief.
Some resentments were not leaving easily. I learned to pray for those people. I prayed for what I wanted to be for them. Health, prosperity, happiness, and wellbeing were being sent in my prayers to those people. I did this for two weeks. I found I felt differently about the people as I was praying for them. However, several prayers took longer to feel the change in feelings.
The change surprised me. I felt compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love. It made sense that they came from their woundedness that they endured in their lives. I did not feel victimized, buy empowered with my new perception. I found gratitude that they played their parts so well, that I had to transform my attitude for peace of mind.
Another helpful piece of advice was to find a way that I might be helpful to them. This brought us together. Seeing where I could be helpful created a new relationship. I never thought I would see these people in an accepting way before. However, by forgiveness, I gave up the past emotional chains to release them for a new day of our being compatible.
Accepting people, places and things as they are, is not always easy, and I did not have to like the way it was. There is a slogan “Live and let live”. I just had to accept the reality of it and grow up. That I had to accept life as it happens and not the way I want. I need to meet life on life’s terms and move ahead.
Interestingly, after taking an inventory of my interactions with others, I found I was inconsiderate of myself, by playing victim to all these old immature thoughts. Releasing them, making amends where appropriate and forgiving them and myself was important. Then the past would no longer be the motivation of my actions. Breaking my habit of reacting could bring positive outcomes.
My solution of changing my feelings to being upset or disappointed about the situation was amazing. Surprisingly, I could move my feelings from being upset after a time to being disappointed. When I became disappointed, it seems the feelings faded.
I am powerless when I am in denial. When I accept everything, I can then change it. Acceptance places me in power. I am responsible for my feelings. I am responsible for my life. If I can change my beliefs, I can change my actions; therefore, I can change my feelings. Old feelings can change and pass thereby allowing space for good feelings to fill the new void. “This too shall pass” is a popular saying.
“There are in truth no incurable conditions”, said Edgar Cayce, The Father of Holistic Health. A shift in perception from fear to love— living instead of dying—made the difference. As time progressed, continuing myself self-analysis became necessary to grow into maturity.
Being honest with me made it obvious that my old thinking was irrational. It had to be, how else could you justify my erratic behavior? If you read a dictionary definition of rationalization, you will find that rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
Today, I can gain a new perception and feel like I can master my emotions instead of reacting from them. Stopping to give myself a moment to act appropriately instead of the old rash reaction is life changing. I then can let go of the anger. Spiritually I know that I created these situations for my growth. I take responsibility for them, today. I have created a new foundation for my new life.