My path to a better life brings new ideas and understandings different from my background. If you are following my columns, I learned that self-honesty is the best policy. I had to come out of my denial and fantasy by acknowledging that my life was really a mess. I was a great manager because I thought this would keep me safe from traumatic situations.
As I began my new journey into honesty, I found that when I walk in faith the results are better than when I tried to arrange the outcomes. Today, I do my necessary steps for my mission while leaving the total results to the universe. Surprise, I found the outcome is great. It is better than I could have arranged.
A tough part for me was to acknowledge I have to identify and change my mindset and behaviors from being fear-based into loving solutions. How could I not be a good person, I took care of my family, taught school, went to church, and I worked in the family printing business on my off hours from teaching. I had not looked at how my needing to survive and protect myself was not working. I had left myself out of the picture of taking care of me.
My motivation was not from love, but endurance and need. In my past, I saw myself as a wonderful person, who was there for everyone. Realizing my life was actually based in fear and fantasy was life changing. I was not there for me. My real dreams were left in the dust while I was there for everyone else.
Interestingly, the more I release my negative emotions, thinking, and responses and replace them with my new healthy ways of accepting conditions without judgments and criticisms, the better my life improves. I move from functioning in the problem to focusing on the solution.
It has taken years to identify and release my old thinking, emotions, and reactions into healthy, loving communications, and good feelings. The work has been worth it. My newest book, “Paradigm Busters, Reveal the Real You” on Amazon.com has the steps I took to transform my life. I feel better about those around me and myself.
The world is turning into a new direction for me. Continuing on my path of fresh beginnings, I found I still needed to make amends to those I had harmed. It was not my nature to harm a person. However, I had taken a few things that were not mine when younger, for which I made an apology and restitution.
Moreover, I found my negative emotions did harm others. I could not love my family, if I was full of fear. Fear stops love. I was not that wonderful person when my emotions were not allowing my love to flow to others.
I made a vow to myself not to place myself in harmful situations, again. In meditation, I was told to treat myself like a princess, because I was the daughter of the Creator. I was learning to love myself so I could pass this on.
I have spent years cleaning out my channel of old negative thoughts, words, and actions to allow a creative loving force to project outward. How do you made amends for this? I discovered that changing myself to being a loving healthier person, they did receive the missing love; this made the difference. I changed. I became a new person in their lives and I wanted to emit love. I was living my amends.
It took 18 years to feel the feelings of my side of my domestic violent marriage. Unwittingly, I participated; I was not just the victim and he was the bad person. In my trying to defend myself from harm, subconsciously, it felt like an attack on my husband. It was as if I took out a subconscious gun and shot him in trying to protect myself. Unknowingly, I was attacking him. This hurt caused him to react observably to harm me back. The passive-aggressive game intensified over time. My side was not seen and his trying to protect himself was recognizable. We were two little children trying to make it, but hurting each other in the process.
I could no longer make him out the awful person. This was a huge admission. At one point, I wrote an apology from my side of the conflicts and sent it. I was as much at fault. This served me well when several years later, I was invited to our twin grandson’s high school graduation.
At first, I was not sure I was emotionally up to it. However, with many years of growth on my new path, I was able to attend the festivities and be brave. For the 48 hours of celebrations and the ceremony, I was able to be around my ex-husband and not play the victim. This was a huge victory for me. I cleaned my side of the street and I was free.
I just heard last week that he died. I knew him for 60 years and we were married for 30 years of that. It upset and touched me more than I would have guessed. I had not seen him after our divorce, except for our grandchildren’s’ graduation. My grief blind sighted me these last few weeks. I am better understanding the dynamics of how I never grieved many parts of my life, so I could completely leave the past behind.
Today, I am glad that I had the courage to own up to my part of our difficulties and now grieve them, too. God bless him! I see how sad it is when two people do not know why they are having problems and do not search for ways to resolve their conflict. He became my teacher to find the inner changes I needed for me to become forgiving, be in gratitude, compassionate. and have unconditional love for him.
In my prayers and mediation, I have thanked him for being in my life today. I can walk away with a clean heart. My weaknesses have become my strengths. I am empowered. Finally, I am at peace and in serenity. Surprisingly, I learned this is maturity. I was told I am taking the high road. My reward is that I am free of my history and ready to live in the “Now”. I am happy to have a healthy life today.
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