Is the source of problems and distress from other people? There is a misunderstanding in our world that it is okay to blame others for our troubles. Are others responsible for our difficulties even, illnesses? If that is true, what does it mean for our relationships?
For years, I reacted from others’ abusive and offensive ways. I thought if they were kinder, I would not feel so poorly. Like a sponge, I took on their projected angers and fears. I stayed powerless and a victim in my life by reacting to people around me. Staying wounded was the basis for my growing up. The lack of love and kindness kept me in a vigilant state. Then I thought I would be safe from harm if I were perfect. It did not seem to work, but I had no other answers in those days of how to handle the situations that were so painful.
It is easy to point the finger at someone and not take responsibility for my own actions. This is usually called being immature. It is even compounded when both individuals in a relationship do not each take responsibility as the problems increase. This is often the case in friendships, relationships, and marriages. Pointing to the other person as the problem is a way to dodge personal accountability,
In my marriage, I thought if he just quit drinking, we would have a good marriage. To my surprise, my problems turned out to be the same as his. We had the disease of addictions, came from mental illness, lacked being nurtured growing up, had rageful fathers, and mentally ill mothers. It took several years to realize we were mirrors to each other. The game is called Passive Aggressive; it can cause difficulty in a relationship and on a job. He was the aggressive one and I was the shy and passive one.
Alan Alda the actor, said. “Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they are fair with you.” Learning to address the issue straightforward was most difficult for me. I always talked around the point so I would not be attacked. I thought it would soften the response. I lacked information about authentic communication. Being assertive was not modeled in my family. I did not feel I had the right to speak up As a child when I did speak up, I was slapped in the face for speaking back to my elders. Therefore, I did not have social skills for self-expression. Over time, I realized as an adult that I needed to learn skills to have real communiqué.
Learning true communication was a shock to my system. Feeling an inner change in learning a new way to speak, was scary. The book, “A Guide to Assertive Living, Your Perfect Right” by Robert El Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. was information where I could really understand the new basis for expressing myself. It was a practical book to use with examples.
Being assertive allows you to be the person you want to be, to feel good, about yourself, and to demonstrate your respect for the rights of others. There are ways to resolve issues that arise from passive aggressive people. Being assertive is a means to stand up for myself, convey anger, reach out to others, build relationships, express affection, and to be direct.
For me the cure is to forgive the person and forgive myself, for the spiritual script I wrote, as this was my path to wholeness. Next, learning to love myself so I no longer am the victim and worthy to speak up, is essential. Then I found loving myself brought me the love I wanted from within. The person is my mirror to what I need to heal in me. It was not from another person.
Since my past sufferings are history, I do not need to bring them into the current situation. I can release those earlier painful situations for being in the present. The dated memories are no longer relevant. My book, “Paradigm Busters” at Amazon has the details of how to release ancient misery. This leaves space for love to replace that space.
Today being in a healthy relationship shows that I changed my communication skills because like attracts like. Becoming a magnet for a companion with healthy ways to communicate is a reward for the efforts. Being able to express my feelings safely takes time, but is worth the effort.
The Hawaiian Prayer, Ho’oponopono “I Love You, I am Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You” brought real inner peace for me. Since we all are one in the spirit of love, I can say, “I love you”. Given that it takes two people to play the passive aggressive game I say, “I am sorry for my part”, putting the situation into the past. Then, I say, “Please forgive me. I want to give up the past for a new day”. Next, the most important part is to say, “Thank you”. Knowing that I wrote my script for the other person to play that part for my growth into forgiveness, gratitude, compassion, and unconditional love brings my responsibility for the situation. They played their part well.
In my current relationship, I have the ability to be honest, straightforward, and safe to express myself, which was not possible in my domestic violent marriage. Relationships are mirrors they do not heal me, but allow me to see my growth. The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children’s Parable by Neale Donald Walsch explains this consciousness beautifully.
I like the movie star Katharine Hepburn’s comment when Barbara Walters asked her if Spencer Tracy ever told her his feelings She thought for a moment and said “No, but I am in ecstasy when I am with him.” Being with a person who respects you, does not heal you; you have to heal yourself and be happy wherever you are.
My books are being distributed internationally to prisons and used as a booked study in San Quentin. I was just included in the current, prodigious book, “Who’s Who in America. This concept is explained further in her books, You Tubes, readings, and counseling. Marilyn Redmond is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, readings, regression, IBRT, and healing, ABH. In addition, she is a teacher, speaker, and medium offering information from the other side for illness, relationships, and issues in your life. Marilyn can help you find health, happiness, and prosperity.
Marilyn Redmond is an ordained minister for spiritual counseling, readings, regression, IBRT, and healing, ABH. In addition, she is a reader, teacher, speaker, and medium offering information from the other side for illness, relationships, and issues in your life. Find your health, happiness, and prosperity. Web site: Angelicasgifts.com, Blog: marilynredmondbooks.blogspot.com./
You Tube: youtube.com/user/puyallup98372, amazon.com/Marilyn-Redmond/e/B0069WIKDC